As children prepare for returning to school after the summer holidays, widowed parents from WAY Widowed and Young’s peer support network share some practical tips for easing the transition, working with schools and supporting children through the back-to-school routine after a parent has died…

“My daughter was 10 and my son 8 when my husband Paul died in the summer holidays of 2021. They had three weeks of holidays and then it was back to school in the September. It was good to re-establish some normal routine early on. I felt to have time away from school would create a situation that, when they did return, would bring increased anxiety and having to catch up on the back of grief.

Keeping routine afloat is tough, and for me, starting with the school routine seemed sensible. We had just moved house too, so everything was still in boxes. Building a home alongside all this was.... challenging.

My two continued their schooling and the headteacher provided a ‘get out of class’ card if they felt they needed it for the first year – no questions asked. My daughter takes her GCSEs next year and is achieving well, and my son (13) is also doing well in school.

They did have ups and downs and odd days off school now and then, but that is normal and they bounced back in after a ‘rest’/ ‘grief’ day.”

Anna B

“My son was 7 when his daddy died – he is now 14. With his permission, every year I send an introductory email to his form tutor advising of his bereavement and family circumstances (we also lost his nana last year) and how certain dates may see him a little quiet or upset. It has always been agreed this email was not an excuse for poor behaviour. It has always helped and I think keeps the form tutor informed.”

Sharon

“My kids were in Reception, Year 3 and Year 5 when their dad died, and the school asked me specifically how each child would like it communicated, when and how they would like their friends to behave. Each child was handled differently, which I thought was so helpful.

My eldest was very specific: he was ok with people knowing, but he did not want his friends to talk about it or give him any special treatment. My middle child wanted people to know and to have a sign with her teacher and friends that she was having a sad day, so she had a special teddy she would put on her desk to flag it to everyone.

I think agency is so important from at least Key Stage 2 (ages seven to 11) onwards, but it really helped that the school approached me on an each-child basis because I wouldn’t necessarily have thought about it otherwise with everything else going on.

When my kids went back to school, they were allowed to go in early or late to avoid the playground. This was pre-pandemic and they didn’t have staggered entry then, so I thought it was a kind offer.

Another thing is for teachers to be considerate of lesson content and end-of-term film content, giving parents and kids a heads up so they can prepare themselves or opt out of non-educational activities. My eldest had a triggering lesson on dads not coming home after World War II and, after this, the teacher used to message me on a Friday with the lesson content for the upcoming week so he could be prepared or we could talk about things beforehand, which made things easier.

Teachers have a lot to think about but almost always don’t want to be thoughtless, so a flag to be more aware after a bereavement can really help”

Sarah

“My son’s dad died just before he started in reception and I set a meeting up with the headteacher ahead of him starting so they knew his background.

I work in attendance for the local authority as well as being a member of WAY Widowed and Young. What really helps is if the schools keep the connection going. Things I have seen in my job and personal experience include:

• key adult sending a postcard in the holidays to the bereaved child to let them know they are looking forward to seeing them back at school in September
• growing a sunflower at home over the holidays while a member of staff does the same thing at school so that connection remains with school and gives the child something to work towards
• the child going to school a day before everyone else on the school’s INSET day, even for half an hour, to familiarise themselves with school/their new classroom.

For Year 6 children, I advise getting in contact with their new head of year/pastoral support for additional support ahead of them starting secondary school.”

Hayley

“My husband died unexpectedly in January. My son was in Year 6 and his school was amazing. The head teacher rang me as soon as they found out and basically said ‘we are here for you, we will take things at your pace, no pressure’.

My son went to school for half days for a week and then returned full time as the routine really helped him. The headteacher spoke to the children in his class and wrote to the other parents, with our permission.

They set up pastoral support for my son at school and getting time off for counselling was no problem. My son’s teacher texted me regularly to let me know how he was getting on during the day and she gave me words of support and a big hug every time she saw me.

The headteacher, my son's teacher and Teaching Assistant all attended my husband’s celebration of life event, even though it was on a school day.

We were overwhelmed by the love and support we received from them and the school community.”

Anna O

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.